http://www.thephatphree.com/features.asp?S...ryID=2187&Layou;

Posted: 2/27/2006 by: Mike Polk

Hey, you, Some Guy. It’s me, Some Girl. I guess we might as well have a life together. We’re on a schedule here. I’m in my mid to late twenties; you’re two years older than me. We’re at about the same level of attractiveness. We have comparable educations. I need to mate, and you’ll probably do as well as anyone else. Let’s begin this typical courtship process, shall we?

You want sex? Fine. Roll around on me for a while. Whatever gets this moving. Are you done? Good. Now go tell your friends about it. And have a good time, you won’t be seeing much of them any more.

I guess we should go to some movies and maybe a concert or two. That was nice. Now let’s get in a fight and then make up. Good. Now let’s go camping. While camping, let’s take some pictures of us camping that we can hang up in our cubicles to remind us of the time we went camping. That will be a cherished memory.

Okay, I guess it’s time to move into an apartment together that’s about ten miles away from my parents’ house. Let’s live in this apartment for a year. Let’s go to a Memorial Day barbecue at my parents’ house. Good. Okay, time to get married.

When you propose, don’t try to do anything cute like putting the ring in my wine glass or having a sports mascot bring it to me at a ball game. It’s all been done before, and you are not a very creative person. It would probably just come off as cheesy and forced. Just get down on a knee and get it over with. New Year’s Eve works fine for me.

Our wedding will take place a year-and-a-half from your proposal. It doesn’t really take that long to set up a wedding; I just want to relish the fact that we are getting married for as long as I possibly can. During that time, I will be the center of attention. Sadly, this will be the highlight of my life. I have no aspirations to write a great book that will change the way people think, I don’t want to travel the world and witness the majesty and diversity of foreign lands, I don’t want to dedicate my life to intellectual or philosophical pursuits in an attempt to take my mind places that no one has ever gone- I just want to look skinnier in my dress than my bridesmaids. Okay, that’s done.

After the wedding, I will take a year to reflect upon the wedding. I will send thank-you notes, watch the wedding video countless times with whomever will sit through it with me, and show people pictures from the wedding that they have no interest in seeing.

Soon, everyone will tire of my wedding talk and I will no longer be the center of attention. It is time for us to buy a house, so that I have something else to talk about. It will be a three-bedroom ranch home with a semifinished basement.

You will turn the basement into a rec room with a bar. This will be pointless, as you will rarely see your friends any more, and when you do, they will have neither the desire nor the time to go down and drink in our basement because they’ll have mated too. Your masculine rec room will soon be cluttered with children's toys and my infrequently-used exercise equipment.

When people stop talking to me about our house, I will decide that we should have kids. I will take the fun out of sex by incorporating science and scheduling our intimacy around my ovulation cycle. We will conceive.

We'll Go Bowling Sometimes
When I am pregnant, I will have something to talk to people about again, and everyone will pay attention to me. I will act as if I am the first pregnant person ever. Eventually, I will give birth, just as billions have done before me.

Our children will be adequate, but not spectacular. You will want them to be athletes, but they will lack the size and skill. I will want them to be creative but they will lack the talent and drive. Despite this, they will eventually mate, too.

We will move into a larger house to accommodate our growing family. You will build a deck off the back of the house that we will use twice a summer. We will briefly contemplate an above-ground pool but in the end will decide against it, citing cost and practicality.

There will be several dogs.

We will vacation. Myrtle Beach will be our destination of choice, though we will be no strangers to Orlando.

Our kids will leave and we will move into a condo, citing cost and practicality. We will retire. Now the waiting truly begins.

Our children will provide us with unremarkable grandchildren. We will photograph them and discuss them at length.

You Will Mow Our Lawn
You will die of heart complications. Your funeral will be relatively well-attended and will last for just over an hour. Following it, some of us will go back to the condo where there will be a tray of cold cuts for sandwiches.

I will remain for eight more years, watching television and slipping away into dementia. I will die. Doctors will call it natural causes, but in reality, I will have semiconsciously willed myself to stop breathing out of boredom and defeat. It will be done.

You can pick me up at eight

Choose Life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television, choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol, and dental insurance. Choose fixed interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisurewear and matching luggage. Choose a three-piece suite on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pishing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked up brats you spawned to replace yourself. Choose your future. Choose life... But why would I want to do a thing like that? I chose not to choose life. I chose somethin' else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who needs reasons when you've got heroin?

hey acow - 90% of what you posted sounds like absolute heaven to me - i guess its what you make of it.

TITAYS TITAYS I LOVE TITAYS

Sounds like the typical family. Quickly state the philosophical ramafacations of it so it won't get moved to AHB.

She forgot that he is taller.

When you don't have God in your life, perhaps life really looks this depressing. The person who wrote this is spiritually starving, seeming to glorify only single life and intellectualism and then still is (not so surprisingly) utterly miserable. Condemnation for everything normal and traditional isn't insightful, it's just pathetic.

I wake up everyday grateful to God for my boys and wife. Sometimes work sucks, sometimes it's ok. Sometimes other things are frustrating, and sometimes they are great. But it's all making me wiser, and any barriers I see don't bother me because I have other plans I'm always working towards. Everyone should approach life that way - you should never ever be content within your station. Sometimes it's frustrating, and there can be lulls, but it's a challenge and it's one I will win.

Buying a house is in the cards soon, and where the author finds cynicism I find excitement. Because that house will be a home to those I love.

And yes, one day I will grow sick and die many years from now God willing. But that isn't the end. That is when, should God deem me worthy, that things shall truly get interesting for me.

Live the life you want.

Lame article.

Yeah...lame...just definately lame. Lacked substance. :rolls eyes:

This post has been edited by Citadel: Mar 9 2006, 08:39 PM

I have a feeling you hear that alot...

serious now, this is the biggest bunch of emo bullshit i've read in a while.

didn't really notice any 'life' to the post. Just automation.

That was the point?

Yeah, I know when I ask people what the most exciting part of their week is, they pretty much all answer church.

Who said anything about excitement? We are talking about fulfillment.

Cocacola & cheeseburger > Healthy Diet
Video games > School Work
Porno > Church
Gambling > Savings

When it comes to excitement. All of which are much less valuable for your long term growth and fulfillment.

You think this bitter woman is an avid churchgoer? I sincerely doubt it. Her philosophy on life is dull, sad and depressing. She sees death as the end of the misery of her common life. She sees all the great milestones in life as trite and redundant.

Anyone who shares her outlook on life is spiritually starving. She needs God in her life.

She's probably Catholic.

Why?

Because it reminded me of Dogma and I wanted to waste some time while waiting for my oatmeal to get done.

whats your definition of fullfillment?

EDIT:

This post has been edited by Dakyron: May 16 2006, 06:23 AM

You don't need god to feel fullfilled or spiritually alive. Their problem is not a lack of spirituality-religious people could feel like that too-its their selfishness and living a live defined exactly by social norms, not their own will. When they think about others, they think about how to get a sense of entertainment from them, not how they can help them. Life is a list of achievements judged by how they compare to what society expects, not judged by what gives them a fullfilled life.

What you need is a feeling of something greater. This can be God, in your case it is. And this sort of life creates an angst in people who feel unfullfilled by that life. It is, I believe, what leads to mass movements. So for some people that sense of fullfillment can come from charity, protesting war, religion of all types, and unfortunately, movements like al-Quaeda and the Nazi party.

So in that regard, I agree with your comments about fullfillment. But not on religion. I could just as easily say she's not an avid Mosquegoer, or Taoist templegoer (you implied Christian faith is the best for this). She's also not an avid charity worker or social worker, she's also not driven by social justice.

Its also interesting how she's trying to feel important, yet she's trying to feel important by doing exactly what everyone else is doing. Its a contradiction-if your actions are redundant, and only benefit yourself and only interest you, you're not going to be important.

This post has been edited by necrolyte: May 16 2006, 05:46 PM

That's because it's an actual connection to the real God, not merely philosophy or ritual like the others you mention.

Those people could just as easily say the same about you.

A Taoist would argue that their philosophy connects one to the ultimate truth/way.

A Muslim would claim that its the same God, they just understand that God better than you do.

A Bhuddist would claim that acheiving personal Nirvana is an actual connection to the universe, not a life run by misery and fear.

Taoism, Islam, Bhuddism, Judaism, and all other world religions are more than ritual and philosophy. They are religion. The closest thing to mere philosophy and ritual masquerading as religion is Confucaism, but Confucaists frequently combine pagan Chinese beliefs to Confucaism to form a real religion. Even if you feel that your God and bible is literal truth, they clearly feel equal fullfillment as you do. So how can you say then that they are merely unfullfilling philosophy and ritual? What argument do you have for that?

They could all claim that, but they would still be wrong.

I know you don't like hearing it, but God is an objective truth. There is one God, only one God, and He is reality. The other belief systems might have redeeming qualities, but they are not actually based on that objective fact.

In the sense they feel they are serving a higher purpose, they have an edge on the woman in the thread starter. But they do not reach that same level, because ultimately the truth makes the difference.

Its an objective truth? That the Bible is exactly fact? Actually the objective truth is that the Earth is 5 billion years old and that there is little more than conjecture when it comes to religion.

And last time I checked, Islam and Judaism believed in the same one God as you do :D .

Now how do you KNOW that your sense of fullfillment is superior? You're assuming.

I know it is.

DS, dont be an idiot.

When God created life, do you really think a day to God was the same as a day to man?



Of course.



It can't really be explained to the non-faithful. It's something I wish you luck on seeking. You won't find it with voodoo, or Islam, or new age, or scientology. You will only find it with belief in the one true God, because that is where the truth rests.

And Allah is that one true God. You believe in the same god, but you havent seen the light of his last and final prophet.