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acow
post Mar 9 2006, 12:02 AM
Post #1


Stick it to the man...
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Group: JFTD
Posts: 6,063
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From: Sydney, Australia
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http://www.thephatphree.com/features.asp?S...ryID=2187&Layou;

Posted: 2/27/2006 by: Mike Polk

Hey, you, Some Guy. Itís me, Some Girl. I guess we might as well have a life together. Weíre on a schedule here. Iím in my mid to late twenties; youíre two years older than me. Weíre at about the same level of attractiveness. We have comparable educations. I need to mate, and youíll probably do as well as anyone else. Letís begin this typical courtship process, shall we?

You want sex? Fine. Roll around on me for a while. Whatever gets this moving. Are you done? Good. Now go tell your friends about it. And have a good time, you wonít be seeing much of them any more.

I guess we should go to some movies and maybe a concert or two. That was nice. Now letís get in a fight and then make up. Good. Now letís go camping. While camping, letís take some pictures of us camping that we can hang up in our cubicles to remind us of the time we went camping. That will be a cherished memory.

Okay, I guess itís time to move into an apartment together thatís about ten miles away from my parentsí house. Letís live in this apartment for a year. Letís go to a Memorial Day barbecue at my parentsí house. Good. Okay, time to get married.

When you propose, donít try to do anything cute like putting the ring in my wine glass or having a sports mascot bring it to me at a ball game. Itís all been done before, and you are not a very creative person. It would probably just come off as cheesy and forced. Just get down on a knee and get it over with. New Yearís Eve works fine for me.

Our wedding will take place a year-and-a-half from your proposal. It doesnít really take that long to set up a wedding; I just want to relish the fact that we are getting married for as long as I possibly can. During that time, I will be the center of attention. Sadly, this will be the highlight of my life. I have no aspirations to write a great book that will change the way people think, I donít want to travel the world and witness the majesty and diversity of foreign lands, I donít want to dedicate my life to intellectual or philosophical pursuits in an attempt to take my mind places that no one has ever gone- I just want to look skinnier in my dress than my bridesmaids. Okay, thatís done.

After the wedding, I will take a year to reflect upon the wedding. I will send thank-you notes, watch the wedding video countless times with whomever will sit through it with me, and show people pictures from the wedding that they have no interest in seeing.

Soon, everyone will tire of my wedding talk and I will no longer be the center of attention. It is time for us to buy a house, so that I have something else to talk about. It will be a three-bedroom ranch home with a semifinished basement.

You will turn the basement into a rec room with a bar. This will be pointless, as you will rarely see your friends any more, and when you do, they will have neither the desire nor the time to go down and drink in our basement because theyíll have mated too. Your masculine rec room will soon be cluttered with children's toys and my infrequently-used exercise equipment.

When people stop talking to me about our house, I will decide that we should have kids. I will take the fun out of sex by incorporating science and scheduling our intimacy around my ovulation cycle. We will conceive.

We'll Go Bowling Sometimes
When I am pregnant, I will have something to talk to people about again, and everyone will pay attention to me. I will act as if I am the first pregnant person ever. Eventually, I will give birth, just as billions have done before me.

Our children will be adequate, but not spectacular. You will want them to be athletes, but they will lack the size and skill. I will want them to be creative but they will lack the talent and drive. Despite this, they will eventually mate, too.

We will move into a larger house to accommodate our growing family. You will build a deck off the back of the house that we will use twice a summer. We will briefly contemplate an above-ground pool but in the end will decide against it, citing cost and practicality.

There will be several dogs.

We will vacation. Myrtle Beach will be our destination of choice, though we will be no strangers to Orlando.

Our kids will leave and we will move into a condo, citing cost and practicality. We will retire. Now the waiting truly begins.

Our children will provide us with unremarkable grandchildren. We will photograph them and discuss them at length.

You Will Mow Our Lawn
You will die of heart complications. Your funeral will be relatively well-attended and will last for just over an hour. Following it, some of us will go back to the condo where there will be a tray of cold cuts for sandwiches.

I will remain for eight more years, watching television and slipping away into dementia. I will die. Doctors will call it natural causes, but in reality, I will have semiconsciously willed myself to stop breathing out of boredom and defeat. It will be done.

You can pick me up at eight
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Posts in this topic
acow   Okay, you'll do...   Mar 9 2006, 12:02 AM
gnuneo   Choose Life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose...   Mar 9 2006, 04:57 AM
gnuneo   hey acow - 90% of what you posted sounds like abso...   Mar 9 2006, 04:59 AM
Stimulant   TITAYS TITAYS I LOVE TITAYS   Mar 9 2006, 06:59 AM
Sephiroth   Sounds like the typical family. Quickly state the...   Mar 9 2006, 12:32 PM
MindsWideOpen   She forgot that he is taller.   Mar 9 2006, 12:45 PM
Dragonspirit   When you don't have God in your life, perhaps ...   Mar 9 2006, 04:53 PM
Molimo   Yeah, I know when I ask people what the most exc...   May 12 2006, 05:10 PM
necrolyte   You don't need god to feel fullfilled or spi...   May 16 2006, 05:44 PM
Dakyron   Lame article.   Mar 9 2006, 06:43 PM
Citadel   Yeah...lame...just definately lame. Lacked substan...   Mar 9 2006, 08:38 PM
Dakyron   I have a feeling you hear that alot...   Mar 9 2006, 10:11 PM
Citadel   RE: Okay, you'll do...   Mar 9 2006, 10:24 PM
Stimulant   serious now, this is the biggest bunch of emo bull...   Mar 9 2006, 10:17 PM
Forben   didn't really notice any 'life' to the...   May 12 2006, 05:46 AM
libvertaruan   That was the point?   May 12 2006, 07:11 AM
Dragonspirit   Who said anything about excitement? We are talkin...   May 12 2006, 06:22 PM
MindsWideOpen   She's probably Catholic.   May 12 2006, 11:06 PM
Dragonspirit   Why?   May 12 2006, 11:07 PM
MindsWideOpen   Because it reminded me of Dogma and I wanted to wa...   May 12 2006, 11:12 PM
Forben   whats your definition of fullfillment?   May 16 2006, 12:28 AM
Dakyron   EDIT:   May 16 2006, 06:22 AM
Dragonspirit   That's because it's an actual connection...   May 16 2006, 07:29 PM
necrolyte   Those people could just as easily say the same a...   May 16 2006, 08:02 PM
Dragonspirit   They could all claim that, but they would still be...   May 16 2006, 08:32 PM
necrolyte   Its an objective truth? That the Bible is exactl...   May 16 2006, 08:35 PM
Telum   DS, dont be an idiot.   May 16 2006, 08:46 PM
miltonfriedman   wait, wait... you cannot prove an "objectiv...   May 17 2006, 08:14 PM
Lady Bitememan   *Agrees with Dragon Spirit. Completely.*   May 21 2006, 11:48 PM
Dakyron   I know it is.   May 16 2006, 08:44 PM
Dragonspirit   When God created life, do you really think a day...   May 16 2006, 09:28 PM
Telum   And Allah is that one true God. You believe in ...   May 17 2006, 04:06 AM
Dragonspirit   Just because multiple people claim something, does...   May 17 2006, 04:52 AM
necrolyte   If Islam and Judaism are false, which branch of ...   May 17 2006, 06:48 AM
Dragonspirit   I never claimed to be able to prove it, only to kn...   May 17 2006, 05:49 PM
Telum   You dont worship god though. You are a polythei...   May 17 2006, 06:01 PM
necrolyte   How do you know that your faith is not mere misl...   May 17 2006, 08:26 PM
Dragonspirit   It's God, not god, and I worship Him and only ...   May 17 2006, 06:04 PM
Dragonspirit   MF: Nope. Maybe others could, but I can't....   May 18 2006, 12:06 AM
miltonfriedman   there is no extant evidence on gravity and round...   May 18 2006, 12:50 AM
Dragonspirit   I said *I* could not prove it. I merely believe...   May 18 2006, 01:49 AM
miltonfriedman   you could not find evidence to prove that the ea...   May 18 2006, 02:11 AM
necrolyte   DS-is his divine punishment on earth or after life...   May 18 2006, 03:05 AM
Dragonspirit   I might be able to, I dunno. Haven't tried....   May 18 2006, 03:06 AM
miltonfriedman   shocking. with modern internet that is distribut...   May 18 2006, 03:31 AM
Dragonspirit   Both. Fred made Fred's choice, Fred is pu...   May 18 2006, 03:19 AM
necrolyte   Dunno where I'd want to start :D http://en.wi...   May 18 2006, 03:26 AM
Dragonspirit   Doesn't matter. Fred made his choice, it wa...   May 18 2006, 03:53 AM
necrolyte   So is "You shall not eat shellfish". And...   May 18 2006, 04:26 AM
Telum   Not quite. Jews at that time acknowledged the e...   May 18 2006, 11:42 AM
miltonfriedman   DS, I found your evasion regarding your religious ...   May 18 2006, 11:45 AM
Dragonspirit   MF: Come to me with an honest question, and I wil...   May 18 2006, 03:47 PM
MindsWideOpen   Given that God is that god you are talking about,...   May 18 2006, 05:44 PM
miltonfriedman   Pardon me, DS. Were I the one who openly flamed ...   May 18 2006, 07:44 PM
Dragonspirit   "That" god inplies that there are others...   May 18 2006, 05:59 PM
Dragonspirit   I go to have fun. God has nothing to do with it...   May 18 2006, 08:06 PM
miltonfriedman   so let me get this straight-- you see no conflict ...   May 18 2006, 08:11 PM
Dragonspirit   No, I will not say that. There are Christian doct...   May 18 2006, 08:43 PM
miltonfriedman   so which church do you belong to? So lap danc...   May 18 2006, 09:27 PM
necrolyte   You realize that Allah is the Arabic word for God,...   May 18 2006, 09:04 PM
Dragonspirit   Necro, again, the problem is you put your precondi...   May 18 2006, 09:14 PM
necrolyte   God is described as perfect, all-knowning, all-pow...   May 18 2006, 10:40 PM
libvertaruan   I think the point is, as it was put in Something P...   May 19 2006, 12:16 AM
necrolyte   But that was said by a very un-Christian Christi...   May 19 2006, 02:43 AM
Dragonspirit   Until you move beyond that assumption, you'r...   May 19 2006, 05:48 PM
necrolyte   So God is not perfect, or all good, or all power...   May 19 2006, 06:38 PM
Dragonspirit   God does not have to answer to you on why He allow...   May 19 2006, 07:13 PM
necrolyte   But see, its pointless to simeltaneously give peop...   May 19 2006, 08:05 PM
Dragonspirit   Not at all. Many people successfully do exactly...   May 19 2006, 09:24 PM
QWOT   But what about people who are not given the same ...   May 23 2006, 05:48 AM
miltonfriedman   Do you know that this statement is false?   May 23 2006, 04:51 PM
necrolyte   Different situation. Failing the test is an impo...   May 20 2006, 12:30 AM
acow   Yes. Last time was about 2 to 3 years ago. I...   May 20 2006, 01:02 AM
necrolyte   Acow-while I for the most part agree with you, I...   May 20 2006, 02:04 AM
Cerian   The fact that people seriously believe that is one...   May 22 2006, 01:50 AM
Dakyron   People who spend their life trying to disprove som...   May 22 2006, 11:54 PM
necrolyte   There's still an overwhelming lack of evidence...   May 23 2006, 03:33 AM
QWOT   Side note: Mount Ararat doesn't have to be t...   May 23 2006, 05:54 AM
Dakyron   I doubt the Egyptians would really want to recor...   May 23 2006, 05:15 AM
necrolyte   I've heard the "It was probably unreco...   May 23 2006, 07:40 AM
libvertaruan   We have records of such a thing happening, though...   May 24 2006, 08:47 AM
necrolyte   Credible recordings :P As far as I'm concer...   May 24 2006, 02:54 PM
Dakyron   He did call Christian scientists 'not scient...   May 23 2006, 04:03 PM
JLord   Yeah, and the part where God is said to exists w...   May 23 2006, 04:24 PM
necrolyte   Scientists with strongly-held preconceived notio...   May 23 2006, 04:59 PM
JLord   That's what I'm talking about. Good pos...   May 23 2006, 05:02 PM
QWOT   Dakyron, I didn't see where he said that; bu...   May 23 2006, 04:21 PM
Dakyron   Well, actually he said creation scientists = not s...   May 23 2006, 04:26 PM
Dakyron   Evidence should be judged on its own merit, not ...   May 23 2006, 05:50 PM
JLord   That's right. But there are people who go int...   May 23 2006, 07:08 PM
Dakyron   You just contradicted yourself. True or false?...   May 23 2006, 08:04 PM
JLord   Obviously evidence should be judged on its own m...   May 23 2006, 09:31 PM
Dragonspirit   Good discussion so far, way too much to reply to i...   May 23 2006, 10:50 PM
QWOT   Dakyron, I think you're unfairly projecting...   May 24 2006, 06:04 AM
necrolyte   Sometimes its better to be right than to win. So...   May 24 2006, 12:56 AM
JLord   Even if a religious text were a credible record of...   May 24 2006, 03:46 PM
necrolyte   Also, most biblical records we have are not firs...   May 24 2006, 04:12 PM
Dakyron   Walls of the pyramids were also the writings chose...   May 24 2006, 09:54 PM
necrolyte   No but the Rabbis would not just write anything in...   May 24 2006, 11:05 PM
Dragonspirit   Not the basis for good, but part of the basis of...   May 24 2006, 11:28 PM
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